Paper Wackiness: A MillenniumOld Door Thingy
by Shy Guy 32
Summary: Hey, it's almost done! Yay! All I need is the epilogue. Rated for cursing, violence, and... well, that's it, really. Chappie 9 up!
1. Prologue: The end of Reality Somewhat

Hey, it's me!  
(guys panic, and hit the big red button)  
Don't hit that! Everyone knows not to hit the big red one!  
(place starts crumbling, everyone dashes for exit. even me)  
Well, guess I'll just have to write out here. Ah well.

Well, this is a new one. This parody may not be as funny, but those were written when I was less mature. Anyway,

Disclaimer: I don't own Mario. The views expressed in the beginning are not my actual views on America. And I don't own Family Guy.

* * *

_Okay, noobs, sit down, listen up, and have your crap platters- I mean, cookies. Yeah. Heh… So, there used to be some sorta utopia where the men had beer and never got off their asses while the women did all the work. This was commonly called "America." Well, one day this demon freak came and destroyed things & such, while being very cliched. The men were all not caring, as they tried to watch Monday Night Football while hoping that the pres would deal with it. Anyhoo, with America destroyed, several people went there with hopes of building an actual utopia. Suckers. They all had that dream gone when a lesser demon, called the "Mafia," took over. Some said treasure was under that town, but everyone else called it a load of BS. That has almost nothing to do with this, which I will now tell you. Now, GET OF MY F-CKING LAWN, BIATCHES!_

So, anyway, this is a different story.

One day, Luigi was again rooting through autograph requests- wait, I mean… mail. Yeah. He brought all the shit in to Mario, who threw all of it in the trash. He then plopped over to the TV, where he began to channel surf.

"Let's see… god, TV's gotten awful. Nothing but commercials and some broadcast about Peach being kidnapped."

Pause.

"Wait, what?"

On TV…

"We're here now, at Theifplace, where Peach has been kidnapped, for once, not by Bowser."

Suddenly, the Universe exploded and the only things on TV were Barney and the Teletubbies… just kidding. But if physics were looking at us… who knows….

Anyway, Mario ducked as the TV spontaneously combusted and turned to ash. At that moment, Luigi walked in.

"God, Mario, again?" Luigi queried.

"Ooh, boy…" Mario slipped out of the house while Luigi was scolding, hijacked a ship, and went to Theifplace because it was farthest from Luigi.

PROLOGUE: A THIEF'S, UH… STUFF

Mario was sailing along, while Luigi can be heard in the background. Mario, singing like he's drunk off his ass (probably is), didn't notice the huge rock dwarfing his own ship and crashed. He swam ashore (even though he was drunk) and magically, he was in Theifplace. After drying off like a dog, he wandered off and found himself in front of a little Goomba who was chased by Crump.

"Like, help me!" Goombella shrieked.

"Uh…"

"JUST PAWN HIS ASS!"

"Okay, okay, sheesh…"

Mario ran at Crump and kicked him in the shin, while shouting "Ripoff artist!"

"Eek! Don't be mean, meanie!" Crump whimpered, like a little child. He then grabbed his knee and took deep breaths, like Peter in Family Guy.

"Things just keep getting weirder and weirder." Mario concluded.

Crump sent a bunch of X-Nauts at Mario, who ran screaming his head off while they just stare.

"Uh, dude, he just, like, ran off, man!"

"Do we get a raise, dude?"

"I dunno, man."

"WOULD YOU STOP THAT?" Crump yelled.

"Uh, sorry, dude."

"Sigh…"

In town, Mario and Goombella introduced themselves. All was good and fun, and then Toadsworth showed up.

"Oh, hello, Master Mario!"

"Oh, brother…"

"It seems Peach has been kidnapped! Uh… permission to panic?"

"Uh, sure."

"Thanks. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Toadsworth ran away screaming.

"Uh, like, what was that, like, about?" Goombella asked.

"Toadsworth. More boring than presidential speeches."

"Wow, that's, like, WAY boring."

"Yeah."

"So, you want to, like, head over to my place?"

"Sure…"

So, the duo walked to Goombella's. Inside was Frankly.

"I might want to warn you… you only hear him say "blah" and a couple other words. REALLY boring." Goombella forewarned.

"Blahblahblah treasure blahblahblah map blahblahblah here you go." Frankly said. Everyone but him was asleep.

"Love keeping my audiences riveted."

When Mario woke up, hours had passed. After hearing Frankly, he wanted to stay far from him. He jumped in the sewers and wandered to a large door, bypassing the black box.

"Ah, dammit, is anyone there?" the chest said.

"Blahblahblah I am!" Frankly said.

"Zzzzzzzzzzzz…"

Anyway, Mario jumped onto a pedestal. Goombella magically appeared and stared in awe at the lights and shiny things. All the weird stuff happened, like the map rising (wiring), lights (just guess), and the beam of light (cheesy special effects). The author (that's me, fools) ran in, drew something on the map, and ran.

"What was that?"

The narrator walked in.

"We're low on cash. Stupid budget cuts…"

Then, the narrator walked out. Goombella looked at the map.

"Like, that's Flowerburg! Like, there's a pipe here that leads to that!"

"Whatever…"

Mario wandered some more, and ended up in front of a Blooper. He took out a baseball bat, yelled "FORE!", and you can just guess what happened next. Let's say the Blooper wasn't going to have a hospital-free life. Anyway, Mario hopped over and entered the pipe, after literally having to take a plunger to it.

* * *

Well, that's fun. I guess.R&R, and don't flame. I don't care how cold it can get.  



	2. Mugging and Koolaid and Oddness, Oh my!

Hey, I'm back! Sorry abou the wait, my Gateway's acting more like a Gateway than it should be. 

Don't worry, it's fine now.

Well, here we are, Chappie 1.

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo or any of the many brand names noted in this chapter.

* * *

CHAPTER 1: A DUNGEONS&DRAGONS-RIPOFFED TITLE 

(or: are we getting the title too close to the game's?)

Mario and Goombella sprung out of the pipe, landed, and wiped the gunk off their shirts.

"Like, doesn't anyone, like, clean those things?' Goombella asked.

"The world may never know. Like the licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop, or if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about, or even where the crap Waldo is."

They both pondered, then off they wandered.

The author (me) is sometimes credited for being a poet without even knowing it.

Anyway, the duo wandered, past a relatively medium-sized dragon swooping by, barely missing them, and just going after a Toad instead (the heroes showed no interest), some stone thing (a little interest), and some annoying Koopa (any more interest and Bill Gates would be out of a job). This part is about the Koopa.

His name's Koops. He's very annoying. And right now he wants to go with Mario and Goombella.

"PLEASE LEMME PLEASE LEMME PLEASE LEMME GO WITH YOU!" Koops screamed.

"Hell no! You're more annoying than Toadsworth is boring!" Mario rejected.

Koops face lit up as he got an idea.

"Would you do it for a Klondike bar?"

You could see Mario struggling, but he just had to say…

"…yes… Alright, I said it. PLEASE GIMME THE KLONDIKE BAR!"

"OH YEAH!" Koops hollered.

"OH YEAH!" Mario said, munching on his Klondike bar.

"Oh nooooo…" the Kool-Aid Guy said as he keeled over from too much sugar.

The trio finally headed to Flowerburg and made it. There they found Kroop, who said they needed the stone keys to get to the Barbguy (the relatively medium-sized dragon)'s castle. So they just went to Barbguy and mugged him for the regular keys. They then went to that area by the castle and ran, bongo drums seemingly playing. Two guards outside just saw Mario running, bongos playing. They looked at Mario again, bongos playing, and just shrugged. Mario was still running, bongos playing. They looked closer. Mario kept running, bongos playing. Suddenly, Sir Lancelot ran by, killing everybody he ran by, Mario behind him. They got to the top, Lancelot left, and they found Barbguy again.

"Hey, that wasn't nice earlier!" Barbguy scolded.

"You want to see nice?" Koops said.

Mario suddenly pulled out a machine gun.

"Say hello to my little friend!" Mario screamed, as he tried shooting. He heard clicks.

"Dammit!"

So they all just took out brass knuckles, sticks, chains, and pipes, and mugged him again. The thing the author drew on the map (a crystal star) appeared, and Mario seized it, laughed like a giddy schoolgirl, and ran, taking Koops with him.

"Okay, that was, like, totally weird!" Goombella stated, and then chased after Mario.

Back at the place with the pedestal and stuff, Mario, Koops, and Goombella did the cheesy sequence again, and the author drew another crystal star on the map.

"Like, that's, like, the Not-So-Great Boggled Tree!" Goombella said.

Meanwhile…

"Does anyone care about my existence?" the second black box said.

"Blahblahblah me!" Prof. Frankly replied.

"Oh…zzzzz… dear…zzzzzz…."

Another meanwhile…  
Some random time, the moon.

Peach, drunk off her ass, walked into Grodus' office.

"hic Hello… hic… I'm Peach…" She slumps over and goes unconscious.

"God, she's been doing that for the past two hours. Guards! Take her into her room and lock the door this time!"

Two X-Nauts walked in.

"Like, sure, dude. Want a pizza?"

"Like, sure, man. Yo, dude, are we ever gonna get that raise, man?"

"Dude, I dunno. I dunno, man."

The X-Nauts took her back. She woke up 15 minutes later, found a can of whiskey, and got drunk. The door out of her room opened up mysteriously. Peach again walked up to Grodus' office, and the scene happened again. TEC laughed his virtual reality ass off.

* * *

Well, that was... odd to say the least. Still fun.R&R, don't let the flames bite/go anywhere near me!  



	3. Well, this is odd

Hi! I'm back (again)! 

(guys run into the charred remains of my writing place)

Heh... idiots, my security system can withstand a nuclear explosion! (BOOOOOOOOOM!) 

I hope my insurance covers that...

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, the DMV, Family Guy, Charlie's Angels, Monty Python, Duel Masters, Jack Daniels, or that small reference to some action movie where they raid some cottage. God that's a lot.

* * *

CHAPTER 2: I'M CONFUSED… 

Mario, Goombella, and Koops wandered (my, we just love doing that, don't we) and found a little gray thingy in the sewers.

"Hi, I'm Punio, of the Punies!"

"You're damn well puny!" Mario said.

"Mario, there are children present!" Goombella scolded.

"Actually, I'm 33." Punio interjected.

"Exactly! I mean… wait… what? You're smaller than that tooth that seems to inexplicably stick up in my mouth if you look closely at the game or at a picture of me!" Goombella exclaimed.

"Gotcha! I'm only 13, but if you listen to my elder she curses a lot more than that fat guy."

"You mean Goombella, right?" Mario said.

"Uh, no, you."

"Ooh… yeah… wow… awkward moment…"

"Can we get a move on? Who are you, why are you here, and why can't the narrator get on with the plot?" Koops interjected.

"Right!" the narrator said.

"Okay then… let's all just forget this conversation and instead opt to move on." Mario suggested.

They all walked through the pipe to the Boggled Woods, around the Not-So-Great Boggled Tree.

"Hey, wait, you didn't answer my questions!" Koops realized.

"Oh yeah… I'm Punio of the Punies, I'm running from some freaks in weird costumes, and I dunno." Punio answered.

"Oh… okay!"

They all wandered some more and passed three purple THINGS (no interest), a small cottage (no interest), and the Not-So-Great Boggled Tree (some interest). They decided to go to the tree.

They walked up to the tree, which had a door with a traffic light over it. The light was red.

"Dammit! We can't go past a red light!" Punio complained.

"Why not?" Goombella asked.

"Because, the DMV Driver's Manual says you can't."

"Damn, you are puny." Mario commented.

"Can't you just wait? Honestly, lights really last about 3 minutes. At least they do where I'm from."

"Hey! Wait! Madam Flurrie can help us! There's some secret entrance, and only she knows where it is." Punio remembered.

"Where does she live?" Koops asked.

"That cottage we passed earlier."

So, the quartet (yes it's a word) wandered back to the cottage, where you could hear screaming, sobbing, and occasional blubbering. They ram the door open with a battering ram, then pull guns out and walk with their guns pointing up and against their ears. They walk towards the other door, and attempt to kick it open. But just as Mario's foot touches the door, a voice rings out. Or, really, sounded like a category 5 hurricane.

"DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! IT'S TOO HORRIFIC! I'M TOO UGLY WITHOUT MY NECKLACE!"

"Okay… wait, is that you, Madam Flurrie?" Punio asked.

"Oh, it's just you, Punio? Uh… ahem… yes, it's me, and I lost my necklace. I can't go out without it, I'd look too horrific."

"If we get it, can you help us getting into the tree?"

"Sure!"

The quartet walks out and passes by the purple THINGS, who notice them and block their way, forming a Charlie's Angels formation.

"Ahem… we were sent by Sir Grodus to stop you!" Beldam declared.

"We are… the Charlie's Angels!" Vivian said.

"No we're not, you idiot! We're the three Shadow Sirens! SHADOW SIRENS! For this incompetence, you must get a punishment too harsh for your actions that might either harden you for life or give you an everlasting loathing of me! Crucifix!"

"Beldam! You already gave me the crucifix! Remember?"

Flashback 

"_Vivian! What are you doing?" Beldam asked angrily._

"_Uh, breathing, living, vital life processes, otherwise, nothing really."_

"_What? How dare you! CRUCIFIX!"_

End Flashback 

"Oh yeah… then I'll just send you to the Gorge of Eternal Peril or something…" Beldam sighed.

"Buh…" Marilyn, uh… said. Translation: "Damn you, vile woman! One of these days you'll kill her! Now I'm off to conquer the world! And I'm not a Stewie Griffin ripoff!"

The Shadow Sirens left, leaving Flurrie's necklace behind. Mario picked it up, and brought it back to the cottage. He slid it under the door, and after a bit, Flurrie came out, with a bunch of withered roses.

"Holy god! I liked it better when you were behind the door!" Mario screamed.

"My eyes! It burns!" Goombella and Koops screamed in unison.

"You get used to it." Punio said.

Mario ran up to Flurrie, ripped off the necklace, torched it, stabbed it, buried it, brought it back to life, killed it again, dunked it in lava, made it watch an hour and a half of Duel Masters (I hate the show), and finally threw it in the bottomless pit outside.

Madam Flurrie gasped, went through convulsions, and locked herself in her room before finding a new necklace.

"I promise you Mario, I will find revenge!" Flurrie screamed maniacally.

"How do you know my name?" Mario asked.

"Um… uh… I need a plot hole!"

A plot hole appeared, and Flurrie jumped into it.

Everyone went back to the tree, and light was now green.

"Told ya so." Koops remarked.

"Shut up." said Punio.

Suddenly all the Punies came out, being held hostage by two X-Nauts.

"Like, dude, surrender or they'll, like, die, man."

"Dude, totally."

"Dude, aren't we still waiting for those raises, man?"

"Oh yeah, dude."

The X-Nauts walked away, forgetting about the Puni hostages. Lord Crump also came out in his robot thingy.

"Now you will die!" Crump screamed.

Mario simply walked over and kicked the robot in that accordion-like leg which I never really got the point of. I mean honestly, can't you make it out of something sturdy, like steel or something? And-

"GET ON WITH IT!" a group of angry Vikings screamed.

Okay, okay! Anyway, the robot fell on its back and did that thing from Family Guy described in Chapter one (grabbed its knee and took deep breaths).

"Is that even possible?" Punio asked.

"Shut up. Never try and defy video game physics. At least, don't try to in a video game. In real life, defy them all you want. Just not here." Mario scolded.

"Sorry."

Crump suddenly stood up, chucked the Crystal Star at Mario, and then ran.

Mario, Goombella, and Koops wandered back to the sewers, where they did the cheesy sequence again and the author drew another star on the map.

"Hey, isn't that Blitzburg?" Koops asked.

"Blitzburg?"

"Yeah! They have this gladiator-type place."

"Wow. You'd think they'd excel in football or something." Mario commented.

Meanwhile…

Another random time, the moon

Peach was again drunk and in Grodus' office, but by invitation.

"So, Princess, I have a proposition for you. Do you want to, when we open the Millennium-Old Door Thingy, be possessed by some evil demon that destroyed the original America and thus cause the downfall of the human race?" Grodus asked.

For the references, go back to Chapter one. It's in italics.

"Will you give me a Jack Daniels?" Peach asked.

"Uh, sure." Grodus answered.

"Okay!" Peach said before passing out.

* * *

Well, that was less odd. I like how I portrayed the Shadow Sirens, especially Marilyn as being the smartest of the three. Well, R&R, and don't forget to not flame!  



	4. Misleading town titles are FUN!

Ah, dammit, still trying to find insurance that can cover a nuclear explosion...

Disclaimer: I do not own Nintendo, the NFL, Trix cereal, Sega, DDR, Die Hard With a Vengeance, Cookie Crisp, Resident Evil, Bill Nye the Science Guy, the Wizard of Oz, Monty Python, the Rocky movies, Fortunoff's, Macy's, South Park, or Jack Daniels. Damn, that's alot.

* * *

CHAPTER 3: OF BLITZING AND GLADIATORS: THEY'RE BOTH GOING TO TACKLE EACH OTHER 

(or: bad analogies are fun!)

Mario and co. headed off to the local airport (yeah, there's one in Thiefplace) and jacked a blimp (well, it IS _Thief_place), driving to Blitzburg before Koops realized something.

"Uh, guys? Three things. A, since when did we know how to drive a blimp, B, since when did we know how to get to Blitzburg, and C, how do we know it's in the sky?"

"You know what, Koops?" Mario asked.

"What?"

"For A, have you ever played Super Mario Land? I mean, I ride a frickin' plane in that game. And for B and C, WE HAVE A FRICKIN' MAP!"

"Oh… well, you could have just said that."

"Arg…"

The trio drove to Blitzburg and crash-landed, as a bombardment of balloons made it impossible to see outside the windshield. Or anything at all, really.

Anyway, they crash-landed, hitting a bunch of people, one of which was named Dan.

"Hey, wait, I'm not dead!" Dan complained.

The narrator walked in.

"I never said you were dead. I said you got hit by a crash-landed blimp."

"Ooh… hard to argue with that logic." He suddenly got up and walked away, no broken ribs or anything.

Anyway (again), Mario and co. got out and headed to a huge building, because it was the only place to go, as everything was covered with football ads.

"I thought you said this was a gladiator-type place?" said Mario.

"Oh, yeah, that was Rome. Sorry, I'm not very good at history."

"Makes sense."

The group walked in the building, which looked like the NFL, with a cool holographic listings board.

Goombella ran over to it, scanning the list until she found what she wanted to find.

"Yes! Haha! The Hackers DID win! You guys owe me $20!" Goombella declared joyously.

"Oh, come on…" The others reached into their wallets stored somewhere on their bodies (noting that they have no real place for them), and pulled out a $20 bill. Anyway, they went into the stadium, and saw a bunch of people fighting each other.

"I guess this place _is_ a gladiator-type place." Goombella said.

"Oh, wait, when I said that this was a football place I was thinking of the US." Koops remembered.

"But wasn't that destroyed by some freak demon-thing?" Goombella asked.

"No, that was America. There's a difference somewhere." Mario answered.

"Oh."

Anyway, they watched. There were some kids on one side, and a white rabbit thing on the other, holding a cereal box.

The kids suddenly went for the cereal box, saying, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!"

The rabbit suddenly screamed, "No! You share!" and then snapped the kids' necks.

"Ooooooohhh…" Mario and Koops said in awe, as the kids suddenly got decapitated turning into a blood fountain.

"Oh, come on." Goombella complained, dragging the two away even though she had no arms.

"I want to join!" Mario suddenly said, and he ran to the registration counter and put his name in huge capital letters, covering the whole sheet. He showed his huge name to one of the guards, who let the party in and escorted them to the manager's office.

"What do you want?" the manager said.

"My friends and I want to join!" Mario said.

"Uh, okay, your name is…?"

"Uh, Mario."

"Hmmm… 'Uh, Mario'… doesn't sound very good. How about I call you Great Gonzalez?"

"No way, you freaking idiot!"

"God, no one ever takes that… What's your name again?"

"Mario."

"Sure, we'll use that. By the way, my name's Grubba. And I'm NOT a demented psychopath trying to stay young forever."

"Uh… okay."

Jolene came in and escorted Mario to his locker room.

"Okay, I'm gonna show you the ropes." Jolene said, pulling out a rope.

Cue rimshot.

Anyaway (yet again), Mario pushed a button on a Game Boy Advance nailed to a wall, and Grubba appeared the screen, after the GBA logo flashed by.

"Oh my god, what is that THING!" Mario shrieked in surprise.

"You get used to it." Jolene remarked.

Mario signed up for Match 1, or really match 20 (the whole system's screwed up), and was escorted to the ring, where he saw…

_Match 20- 5 Goombas! Okay, it's not THAT exciting, but still._

"5 Goombas? God, honestly, is this the BEST you guys can come up with? I could frickin' LOOK at them funny and they'd die!" Mario complained.

"Hey! We're not THAT pathetic!"

To prove he's right, he looked at the Goombas with a rather odd face. They suddenly imploded, exploded, and did the hokey-pokey before spontaneously combusting.

"And Mario's the winner! Like I didn't see that coming." Grubba announced.

_Match 19- A bunch of Koopas_

Mario chucked Goombella at them, and they suddenly and mysteriously died from previous head trauma (caused by Mario's fat ass).

_Match 18- President George W. Bush_

"Hello, I'm the President of the United States. Give me money or I'll raise your taxes."

"But either way I'm just giving you more money!"

"Oh dammit, he's onto me!"

George Bush ran out in a hurry.

_Match 17-Some guy off the street_

"Uh, hi my name's Bill!"

Mario mugged him, got all his cash, and kicked him out of the arena.

_Match 16- Hand-It-Overs (a bunch of Bandits)_

"Okay guys, here's what we do: get everything you can, and hope he doesn't mug us back for it."

The bandits quickly steal things from Mario until he's just got his clothes on.

"Why you little!" Mario says, and strangles one Bandit, and then mugs the rest back for his stuff.

"Awwww…no fun…"

_Match 15- Some other Game Mascot_

Sonic was on one side of the ring, and Mario was on the other.

"Hey Mario! I'm tired of being second banana to a 30-something-year-old, overweight plumber! You're going DOWN!"

Sonic rushed at Mario, but he sidestepped out of the way, making Sonic hit a wall of spikes.

_Locker Room_

"God, I'm hungry. Let's get a hotdog." Koops said.

"Sure."

They head outside and find Hoggle, the hot dog guy, chasing an egg.

"Help! I tried to fry this egg, and now it's running away from me!"

"Hmmm, I wonder why…" Mario sarcastically pondered.

"Smooth." Koops said.

Mario suddenly realized that Hoggle was a pig, and that bacon comes from pigs. About an hour later, Mario, Goombella, Koops, and that egg were enjoying some nice bacon.

"Wait a minute, how can an egg be eating bacon? It has no mouth!" Goombella realized.

"Oh yeah…" the egg somehow said (another paradox), and vanished in a puff of logic.

"Whatever." Mario said, walking back in.

_Match 14- That egg_

"Uh, Goombella?"

"Yeah?"

"What the crap? I thought this egg vanished in a puff of logic!"

"I'd say quantum mechanics… I think."

5 minutes later...

"Wow, don't sunny-side ups go perfect with bacon?" Mario said.

"Yes, Mario. Yes they do." Koops replied.

_Match 13- A DDR Machine… with Simon Cowell upgrades!_

"Piece of cake." Mario put in 50 cents, and tried. He was doing pretty well until all the arrows came on the screen at about 3 or 4 at once. After Mario missed one arrow, a boxing glove came out of the machine, whacking him against a regular wall.

"Game over! You suck! Get the hell off my stage, you social outcast!" the DDR machine said.

"Wow, that really is a Simon Cowell upgrade." Koops remarked.

"Well, at least it's better than that whack-a-mole machine."

_Flashback_

_Mario walks up to a whack-a-mole machine and puts in 50 cents. The moles come up one at a time holding up signs, one word each. Combined they said, "We know where you live Mario!"_

_ "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Mario screams, running away._

_End Flashback _

Koops put in 50 cents, as he wanted a try. He put the machine at hardest setting, and danced flawlessly.

"Perfect score! Perfect score! This does not compute…" The DDR machine said before spontaneously combusting.

"Show off."

_Match 12- Donald Trump_

"YOU'RE FIRED!"

"Actually, Trump, eventually you'll run out of head honcho positions and the whole TV series will plummet, while I'll still be going on. So, since I'll be running longer, I'll win."

Trump thought about this, and then went off to fire someone else.

_Match 11- Iron Adonis Twins_

"Hey, uh, Adonis guys, isn't Adonis supposed to be 'strikingly beautiful'? And, since you're so damn UGLY, you shouldn't be called Adonis, but rather more of a Medusa."

Suddenly, the Iron Adonis twins disappeared in a puff of logic, to be replaced by two handsome guys calling themselves the Iron Medusa Twins.

"Oh God no."

Mario chucked a protein bar at them, and they fought to the death over it.

_Grubba's Office_

"Wow Mario, you're really something, you know that? I should drain your strength or something…" Grubba said, speaking to himself on the last part.

"What was that?" Mario questioned.

"Oh! Nothing! Nothing at all… heh heh heh…"

"Uh, I'm not quite believing you…" Koops countered.

"Um, I'm gonna be giving you a raise…"

"WE BELIEVE YOU! WE BELIEVE YOU!" Mario said.

"Kay, so, Jolene will be bringing you to your new locker room."

Jolene walked in and escorted Mario out. Once entering his new locker room, his cell phone rang.

"Hello? Uh, what do you mean, seven days? …I never saw any freakin' tape! You have the wrong number!" He hung up. His cell phone suddenly rang again.

"Hello? Go to the phone booth? Why should I? … Good point. Okay, I'm going." Mario hung up again.

"Who was that?" Goombella asked.

"Oh, some guy telling me in some weird riddle to go to the phone booth, otherwise some bomb would go off."

"Isn't that kind of like Die Hard With a Vengeance?" Koops asked.

"Uh, yeah, but he didn't have an accent and "Johnny Goes Marching Home" wasn't playing."

"Whew."

The group headed to the phone booth, where the phone was ringing.

"Hello? A key? Where- oh, there it is. Go to the storage room? Where's that? … Uh huh… uh huh… okay, thanks."

"Who was that?"

"Same guy. We're going to the storage room."

They did so, and found Jolene and a guard talking outside it.

"So, you heard someone in there, but saw no one?" Jolene asked the guard.

"Uh, yeah, that's right."

"Well, you hear this: if word about what's up there reaches ANYONE, then watch your back because you're going to get stabbed through it. And, uh… we'll fire your corpse too."

Jolene walked away, with the guard behind her. Mario then walked over to the door and opened it using the key, and found a rather large bandit looking through things.

"Uh, huge bandit guy? How did the guard not see you?" Mario asked.

"He's blind. They only hired these guards to make intruders scared."

"Wow. Lame-ass security."

Mario walked upstairs and saw some corpses, and then walked back down.

_Match 10- Bowser: Koopa King and Idiot Extraordinaire_

Mario jumped on some two-bit axe and Bowser fell into some lava.

_Match 9-That New Wolf Mascot for Cookie Crisp_

"I'm gonna get my COOOOOKIE CRISP!"

"Hey, freak! You're a wolf, why not just EAT the KIDS!"

"Hey, that's a pretty good idea!"

The wolf ran off to get his cereal.

_Locker Room_

Mario's cell went off again.

"Hello? Oh, it's you? Do you know how much this friggin costs me? I'm freaking ROAMING right now, God… so, what now? Juice Bar? Sure."

The trio headed off to the Juice Bar, finding a guy with a stick of dynamite, who gave it to them. After blowing up a wall, they found a blank piece of paper, which Jolene decided to confiscate for some reason.

_Match 8-The Trix Rabbit_

"I'm off to get in some stupid disguise and try and steal a cereal box!"

_Match 7- The Chainsaw Guy from Resident Evil 4_

"Rargh! RAARGH!"

Suddenly Jill Valentine burst through, killing the guy with a shotgun.

_Match 6- Bill Nye the Science Guy_

"Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill Nye the Science Guy!"

Mario, in an effort to save humanity, threw a gag in Bill's mouth. All of the air still being jam-packed in his mouth suddenly hit that "maximum occupancy" thing, and his head exploded.

"Now there's some REAL science." Koops remarked.

_Match 5- The Wicked Witch of the West_

The witch started doing skywriting using a broom when it started to rain indoors somehow, and she melted.

_Match 4- A Knight who says Ni_

"NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI!"

Mario and Goombella started rolling across the ground, clutching their ears in pain. Koops just walked over to him and gave him a shrubbery, and the knight left.

_Match 3- Some Bowser Robot_

A poorly made, wooden Bowser robot (from Paper Mario 1) came in, which Mario poked. The entire thing fell.

_Match 2- Rocky_

The song "Gotta Fly Now" (the Rocky theme) started playing, and Rocky burst out the door. He started jogging towards the steps and tripped over them, killing himself.

"Well, that's rather ironic."

"Uh, Mario? How?"

"You know, the first movie, he was climbing up the stairs?"

"Oh yeah..."

_Match 1- The Black Knight_

"None shall pass." The knight said menacingly.

"Excuse me?"

"None shall pass."

Mario, having a flashback of Monty Python, replied, "I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge!"

"Then you shall die."

"I order you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!"

"I move for no man."

"So be it!"

Mario pulled out a sword from nowhere, and he and the knight started fencing until Mario cut off the guy's arm, then his other arm, and finally his legs.

_Locker Room_

"Hey, Mario, title match. Follow me." The guard brought Mario into a room and suddenly left, locking the door.

"Hey, what the- he locked us in!" Mario realized.

Mario looked behind him, to see that a kid with an orange hoodie was locked in there too. For no apparent reason, Koops decided to swing the kid from a conveniently placed ceiling fan, but slipped and killed him. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman suddenly ran in.

"Hey! He killed Kenny!"

"You bastard!"

Mario, Goombella, and Koops ran out while the door was open and ran into the arena, where they met Rawk Hawk.

"FEEL THE RAAAAAAAAAAWK!" He dived at Mario, who sidestepped. Rawk hit the wall, where the crystal star fell off. Mario dived for it, but Madam Flurry suddenly appeared and got it, and ran to the center of the arena, where the energy-draining thing was. Grubba was currently in it, but she shoved him aside and went in, absorbing the energy. She suddenly came out about 2 times as large as she was.

"I told you I'd get revenge, Mario! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Wow, over a stupid necklace? Go to a frickin' Fortunoff's and get one, honestly. Or even a Macy's." Mario said.

"Hmmmm…. OKAY!" Flurry said, busting through a wall. Mario grabbed the crystal star and scrammed, taking his crash-landed blimp and sailing back to Thiefplace. He went underground and did the cheesy sequence, and a Crystal Star appeared over a place labeled on the map as Creepy Steeple.

Meanwhile…

25 o'clock FM

Peach was sober, and she was watching TV. A commercial for Jack Daniels went on, and she suddenly drank one, getting drunk and passing out.

* * *

Well, that was pretty long. 10 pages on MS Word. Anyway, Dan's back! YAY! Read my Legend of Zelda parody to find out what the crap I'm talking about. :b  



	5. Cause you can't get rid of Resident Evil

Hey, it's me! (DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN! woman screams)  
How do you like the new special effects? Pretty cheesy, eh? 

Sorry I took so long, I had family matters and the accursed Writers Block to deal with.

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, the Twilight Zone, Resident Evil, Monty Python, Ghostbusters, or Gilligan's Island. Wow, less brand name usage! I'm on a roll!

* * *

CHAPTER 4: ANOTHER BAD ANALOGY 

Mario and friends head to another pipe and try to jump in, but the pipe spits them out.

Goombella: Wow, rejected by a pipe. That can't be very good for the ego.

Koops: Tell me about it.

Mario starts to break down and cry, but pulls himself together and thinks. He finally comes up with a solution, and tosses a stick of dynamite and a buck in. The dynamite explodes and does nothing, but when the single goes in the pipe lets the trio in.

Goombella: Wow, Mario, how did you do that?

Mario: Heh, there's no problem big enough that money can't solve.

Mario walks away smugly, while Koops and Goombella ponder that. After a bit, they catch up to Mario and look around Twilight Town… in the Twilight Zone (theme starts to play). Oh, better stop that, it's fricking annoying. (gunshot rings out) . That's better!

Suddenly a zombie guy walks up to the three.

Zombie freak: Are you adventurers? If you are, maybe you can help us…

Suddenly a dinner bell goes off.

Zombie freak: Oh, no… Who is it now?

Suddenly the guy turns into a pig.

Mario: What the crap?

Guy: That's what I thought.

Another zombie guy comes up to Mario and the gang, with his brains sticking out of his head.

Mario: Wait, hold up. Who are you?

Guy: I'm the mayor of Twilight Town. We're a town of zombie freaks.

Mario: Hey, wait. If this is a zombie town, shouldn't someone from Resident Evil come in with a shotgun or something?

Suddenly Jill Valentine comes through the pipe with a shotgun, and kills everyone in town. Except our heroes, they live. Anyway, Jill leaves.

Mario: Well, that was convenient.

Mario and friends head through town, stepping over decaying corpses, and meet Vivian, from chapter 2.

Koops: Uh, hey, do I know you?

Vivian: Uh, yeah, remember? I was in chapter 2.

Flashback 

"_Hey, Mario, you got an F on this essay test. You know why?" Mario's 8th grade teacher asked._

"_Uh, no."_

"_Because I asked for a one thousand word essay on the wonders of history-" Mario snored "… WAKE UP! Anyway, I gave you a one thousand word essay, and you drew a picture of George Washington as a stick figure!"_

"_Well, isn't a picture worth a thousand words?"_

"…_Fine, I'll move your grade up to a C-."_

_End Flashback_

Vivian: No, you idiot, wrong flashback.

_The Right Flashback_

"_Ahem… we were sent by Sir Grodus to stop you!" Beldam declared._

"_We are… the Charlie's Angels!" Vivian said._

"_No we're not, you idiot! We're the three Shadow Sirens! SHADOW SIRENS! For this incompetence, you must get a punishment too harsh for your actions that might either harden you for life or give you an everlasting loathing of me! Crucifix!"_

"_Beldam! You already gave me the crucifix! Remember?"_

_Flashback in a Flashback_

"_Vivian! What are you doing?" Beldam asked angrily._

"_Uh, breathing, living, vital life processes, otherwise, nothing really."_

"_What? How dare you! CRUCIFIX!"_

_End Flashback in a Flashback_

"_Oh yeah… then I'll just send you to the Gorge of Eternal Peril or something…" Beldam sighed._

End the Right Flashback 

Koops: Oh yeah…

Mario: Want to join us?

Vivian: Hmm… okay!

And so they wander off into the woods, because there was no other place to go. And because we're addicted to wandering. Eventually our posse finds some old church. As they walk in, they pull out guns. Suddenly the Ghostbusters theme starts to play, and the guys instead put the guns away and pull out vacuums. A bunch of Boos fly out randomly and start doing that weird noise they do. As the heroes are sucking them up, Vivian goes to a switch and turns on a light. All the Boos just fade away.

Koops: Yeah… I was gonna do that.

Vivian (I'll just call her Viv): Sure…. Anyway, wanna look around?

They do so, and happen across a room with a guy in a sheet.

Goombella: Hey, dude, isn't it, like, totally past Halloween?

Sheet Guy: It is? Damn, I didn't know! No wonder the kids weren't coming….

Mario: Dude, it's friggin APRIL. 6 months after Halloween.

Sheet Guy: I was wondering about that. And I've been trying to get the townspeople to come up here too.

Koops: How?

SG: Turning them into pigs.

Viv: Why pigs?

SG: Why not, they're always so depressed. If they're wallowing in gloom, might as well wallow in mud! Hahahahahaha!

Goombella: Dude. The author can think of better analogies. And his are horrible. I mean, look at last chapter! "Blitzing and gladiators: they're both going to tackle each other." That is fricking God awful!

Hey, I have feelings too you know!

Koops: Who was that?

Viv: I think that was the author.

Damn straight! That's it, I'm leaving!

Mario: Great. Now how's the story going to move along?

Koops: I guess we'll have to narrate it ourselves as it comes along.

Goombella: Like, guys, how's this story, like, still going if the author's in, like, some corner crying?

Mario: Don't question the laws of story physics!

Viv: I guess I'll narrate. Uh, that freak-sheet guy… hey, you mind telling us your name?

SG: I'm Doop- uh, I mean, no one you need to know about. It's not important.

Koops: Doesn't sound like it's unimportant.

Viv: We all start backing him into a corner, until he spills.

SG: Fine! My name's Doopliss!

Doopliss suddenly drops down to the floor and starts writhing uncontrollably, like a seizure.

Goombella: Like, you're back!

Yeah, well, I need the cash.

The guys now find a gun, and shoot Doopliss-

Doopliss: ARG!

-wow, even when he's dead he can't stand his name being heard. Anyway, they shot him and looted his house, finding a crystal star in the process. They head back to the Millennium-Old Door Thingy and do… CHEESY SEQUENCE! YAY! Anyway, some island appears.

Viv: Hey, isn't that Gilligan's Island?

Everyone stares at her.

Viv: What? TV Land isn't THAT bad!

Meanwhile, on THE MOON!

11:59 PM

Peach is with Grodus in a bar, both drunk.

Grodus: Okay, okay, this is the best part. And then, I'm like, 'Get off my lawn, or I'll stick the HOSE on ya!'

They both burst into hysterical laughter.

Grodus: Oh, and the best part is, the moon doesn't even have a lawn! How f---ed-up is THAT!

They both break into hysterical laughter again before passing out.

* * *

So how'd ya like it? Pretty good, right? RIGHT! Well, anyway, Read and Review! OR ELSE... face the wrath of utter cuteness known as... my teddy bear (that I don't sleep with)! DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

Hey, was I right? It was good special effects, right?  



	6. Hey, we want explosions, right?

Hey!( guys run but are shocked by the forcefield)

Heh, I found out Geico apparently has forcefield indurance too. Haha, nukes! come and get me, I'm insured!  
(Nearby nuke 1: Oh crap, he's got insurance!  
Nearby nuke 2: F--k, lets get the hell out of here!)

I showed them!

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, the companies that make Tootsie Rolls, Klondike Bars, and Carmen San Diego, Gilligan's Island, King Kong, Monty Python, Apple, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Merlot, and Ghostbusters. Damn, it's getting worse again!

* * *

CHAPTER FIVE: HERE'S A STORY OF A TRIP…

Our group heads down to the port, where they run into a Pianta mob.

Mob boss: Hey, where's my money!

Flunkies: Yeah, where's our money?

Mob boss: No, it's MY money. You just stickin wit me to live.

Flunkies: Right…

Mario: What money? I never even met you!

Mob boss: Oh, right… sorry, I'm lookin fer Wario. Now that you know, I'll have to kill ya.

Mario: But I've known that he's owed to the mob for years.

Goombella: It's public knowledge.

Mob boss: Oh… right… mind if I chase ya then?

Koops: Sure.

The groups get on different motorcycles and start chasing through town before going back to the port, where our group jumps off the cycles. How Goombella could steer a motorcycle is a mystery that may never be solved. Like the Tootsie Pop question, the Chicken or the Egg (I say egg), where in the world Carmen San Diego is, and the Hokey Pokey: whether it IS what it's all about. Anyway, they land on a boat, where some merchant is about to set sail on his vessel of DOOM! … Ahem… I mean, NOT DOOM!

Sailor: Uh, Mr. Flavio, sir?

Flavio: What is it?

Sailor: We need a navigator. The waters around Jamaica are pretty rough this time of year.

Flavio: No they're not.

Sailor: … Stop making fun of me because I have problems!

Another Sailor: Jamaica's waters may be nice, but we'll still need a navigator. Otherwise we'll probably end up somewhere like Gilligan's Island. And nobody wants to go to a place with a sailor, a sea captain named Skipper, a millionaire, his wife, a professor, and some chick named Mary Ann. Bad things happen in those situations…

Flashback 

"_Here's a story of a trip, a fateful trip…"_

_Another Sailor: NOOOOOOOOOOO! The horror! The pure, TV Land-ish horror!_

End Flashback 

Flavio: Fine, fine. (to Mario) Hey, guy I've never met nor seen in my entire life! Be a pal and get me a navigator, and you can get a free ride on my ship with all your little friends and be the captain!

Mario: Uh… sure, whatever.

Mario goes to some guy's house and knocks on the door.

Bob-omb: Whaddaya want, a-hole?

Mario: Want to be a navigator to Jamaica?

Bob-omb: Dammit, how'd you know I'm a navigator?

Mario: Uh, let's see… You have a steering wheel for a fuse, a sailor's hat on, and a nametag saying, "HELLO, my name is Bobbery, NAVIGATOR."

Bobbery: Damn… No.

Goombella: Why not?

Bobbery: My wife died on the sea. Swore I'd never go on it again.

Koops: Hmm… Will you do it for a Klondike bar?

Bobbery: …Yes!

Mario: YAY!

Our little posse heads out to the ship, where Flavio is about to shove off. Literally. They're going to push against the harbor to get the ship to sea. They're idiots.

Mario: Hey, why don't you try TURNING ON the PROPELLER on your SHIP? Frickin idiots….

They do so, and the ship starts moving out to sea. At the last second, Crump jumps on without anyone noticing, even though his landing had the sound of a nuclear explosion and half the ship was blown off. For certain plot reasons, though, we'll say the ship is whole.

Readers: THAT MAKES NO SENSE!

Uh… look! A plot hole!

Readers: Where?

I run away.

Flavio's Diary: Day 1 

Today we set off for Jamaica. For no apparent reason, I let some guy off the street who looks like the world-famous Mario find a navigator and be captain of the ship. But he can't really be Mario, can he? Ah, I'm probably just being paranoid again. Oh no, THE PINK BUNNIES ARE BACK TO GET ME!

Flavio's Diary: Day 2

Our new shipmate, nicknamed Four Eyes for his constant use of corrective eyewear (aka glasses), has warmed up to the Mario look-alike quite a bit. They constantly partake in conversation (aka "hang out together"), and I'm sure that they'll get along like best friends (aka "bff"). Wow, I really have to get my vocabulary to be more of something kids today understand (aka "modernize my 'lingo'").

Flavio's Diary: Day 10

We recently passed a strange island not located on our maps. We have named it Skull Island because of its strange rock formations, and have noticed a large ape roaming about snapping the necks of random T-rexes and grabbing females whilst climbing skyscrapers, who we named "King Kong." I wonder if the names will stick?

Flavio's Diary: Day 20

Tomorrow we will be passing an island known as Gilligan's Island. I have notified the sailor's that we should be safe because this isn't a 3-hour tour, but to still be on their guard from any storms that can make the tiny ship rock.

That night…

Goombella: Is that a storm coming?

Four Eyes (Crump): Hope not. This tiny ship will get rocked.

Cue rimshot.

Anyway, the storm swerves past them. But, Bobbery's attention was fixed on the storm and they crashed into a rock.

Some time later…

Mario and everyone else wake up on an island somewhere. Koops looks around and notices two boats crash-landed on the beach. He recognizes Flavio's boat, but as soon as he sees the name of the other boat he is paralyzed with fear: the SS Minnow. Koops screams. In doing so, all the others wake up.

Mario: What, what?

Koops is simply sitting there, trembling and pointing. All the others look to see the problem, and soon they are also paralyzed in fear. Yes, fear. Not broken backs.

An hour later…

The group is still there, before deciding that being paralyzed in fear is boring. They all decide to get up, and start looking around. Mario decides to stay near the ship to see if he can salvage anything useful. In the end he comes up with several explosives, ropes, a bunch of fabric, a radio, an Ipod with some pretty good songs, some guns, the holy hand grenade, the holy grail, a magic lamp, proof that ghosts exist, and the question to life, the universe, and everything (after all, everyone knows the answer is 42). After salvaging everything (A lot of it was under a neon sign that said "Valuable stuff here: TAKE PLEASE!" in large letters that no one ever noticed. After all, it DID take up half the deck), Koops comes to Mario saying something.

Koops: Hey, Mario! We found some people and some huts they appear to live in! Wanna check it out?

Mario: Sure. Let me just hide the important stuff.

Mario does so, and follows Koops to the small village. In it are a sailor, a sea captain named Skipper, a millionaire, his wife, a professor, and some chick named Mary Ann. Mario takes out the rope he salvaged and hogties them and gags them using the fabric. Also, the rest of the crew was there, trying to decide what to do with the "villagers."

Flavio: So, show of hands for throwing them in the sea?

5 people raise their hands.

Flavio: And show of hands for leaving them in a cave with nothing but poisonous berries for food?

6 people raise their hands.

Flavio: Okay then, lets get their wheelbarrows.

Four-Eyes (Crump), Bobbery, and Some Toad head out, with all the "villagers," who are hogtied and gagged. For some strange reason, three flaming balls of fire come into the campsite and start torching things. Fortunately, only the bamboo radio that the previous residents had was torched. Anyway, Mario, after putting on flame-retardant gloves (retardant meaning resistant), dunks the fireballs underwater. Guess what happens. Anyway, because extinguishing fireballs takes SO LONG to do, an hour or two has passed.

Koops: I'm starting to get the feeling that the author doesn't care anymore.

Hey, yes I do! I just don't care about this part.

Koops: Ah.

Flavio: Okay, we need you to go find the three that left with the villagers. For all we know they could be dead and dying, and we can't have that now, can we?

Mario: (grumble) Fine, I'll do it.

He and his posse head out to find the rest and start wandering. After about 5 minutes, because the group is SO fast, they find the group surrounded by more floating fire. Mario pulls out his gloves again, and dunks them. Four-Eyes and Some Toad leave for the camp, but Bobbery stays behind.

Bobbery: I don't think I can make it, Mario. Please, before I die, get me my wine bottle from the ship.

Mario: What kind is it?

Bobbery: Uh, Merlot red wine, a 1997 bottle.

Mario: Here you go, I salvaged it from the ship while hiding it from the author's all-seeing eye.

Bobbery: How does that work?

Mario: I dunno.

The two drink, and Bobbery joins the party YAY! Our group heads back to the camp, and are ushered back out when Flavio realizes that Mario's treasure map leads to somewhere on the island. After searching around, the group finds it and sticks a small rock in a groove. Two rocks come out of the ground, which Mario uses some explosives on. A small hole opens up, and in goes a bomb. A door opens up, and the group enters. After dunking endless fireballs, dodging several clichéd spike traps, listening to some moaning ghost pirate, and hijacking a boat, the group finds said ghost pirate.

Cortez: Arrr, you be after me treasure! FIGHT!

Bobbery: But-

Cortez: FIGHT!

Mario: Jeez, all right.

Mario dials a phone number, and several minutes later, the Ghostbusters (and Luigi) come in.

Cortez: Ah, crap. Okay, you can have my treasure.

Mario: Thanks. And now, we'll be on our way.

Mario, after putting the huge hoard in a conveniently placed sack, headed on out after blowing up a wall. After meeting up with the rest of the crew, a large X-Naut battleship appeared on the horizon, with Four-Eyes on top. After taking off his scarf and vest, he starts gloating for no apparent reason. Mario takes out a rocket launcher he salvaged from the ship (I guess Flavio wanted to take over Jamaica) and fires it at Crump's ship. It sinks, and many X-Nauts died, one of who was named Dan.

Dan: Hey, I'm not dead!

Yes you are. Now shut up.

Dan: But I'm not! Take this further and I'll sue!

Sound effects guy: DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

Too bad. I bought out your lawyer to do the disclaimers.

Dan: Crap.

Anyway, Dan died-

Dan: NO I DIDN'T!

-And now the guys need a way back home.

Viv: Why don't we use Cortez's ship?

Koops: Wow. For being the only thing you've said all chapter, that's pretty smart.

All: …

Mario: What's a chapter?

Anyway, they threaten Cortez again, and he agrees to take the guys to and fro the island as long as he doesn't have to hear the Ghostbusters theme again. Anyway, they go back to Thiefplace, where they do the cheesy sequence and the author draws some other place on the map.

Bobbery: Hey, that's Rich and Snooty Ville!

Viv: How'd you know that?

Bobbery: Hey, I want to be rich!

Meanwhile on the moon…

Um… pi?

Peach, drunk, starts fighting several fierce imaginary pink elephants. In a quite amusing display, she somehow loses and goes unconscious.

* * *

Pretty good, right? Well, R&R, and don't flame please! If you do, I'll be sending em into the winter stock in case we have a cold one (a cold winter, not a beer). 


	7. Three days there, a few minutes back?

Hey!(guys do nothing)  
Wow, the guys have apparently given up. WOO! FINALLY!  
("We realized that the forcefields are impenetrable.)  
Ah.  
("That and they're insured.")  
See what insurance can do for you? Call for 15 minutes or more on car, motorcycle, and now forcefield insurance! (I do not own Geico)

Well, anyway, disclaimer time!

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, Sony, Monty Python, Powerball lottery, and NASA. New record for low brand names!

* * *

CHAPTER 6: SUPER-SLEUTHING WAS NEVER SO EASY

Mario and the gang (remind me never to say that again) are currently looking at train ticket times.

Mario: This stupid thing says 3:43, and that's the time, but THE DAMNED TRAIN ISN'T HERE! Can someone explain to me what's wrong with this?

Bobbery: Hey, relax. These trains are never on time! With our luck the train left before we got here.

Mario: … You know, if you had a neck I'd strangle you.

Bobbery: That's why I'm glad I'm a bomb.

After waiting for an hour, the train finally comes, and our group gets on.

_Day 1, morning_

Goombella: Do you're saying that this is a 3-day train ride, yet we're only going 100 miles?

Conductor: Yes ma'am, that's right.

Goombella: Although we're traveling at over 100 mph?

Conductor: Correct.

Goombella: Can you please explain to me how that works?

Conductor: You see ma'am, our train works in ways we don't fully understand. We think it may be wormholes or something.

Koops: Maybe that would explain why we're seeing the same mountain over and over again through the train window.

Mario: Hey guys, I just found a poorly written letter in our cabin!

Viv: What does it say?

Mario: "DeAr MaRiO aNd FrIeNdS… Oh, screw this. Dear Mario and friends, for some strange reason I've planted a bomb on this train that will explode when mixed with sand and a diamond. But, due to the fact that I can't seem to find any of these things (and that I'm poor) you have three days to stop me. MWAHAHAHAHA-cough cough… man that hurt."

Koops: Well, that was awfully specific.

Bobbery: Wait, so he actually wrote the laughing/coughing?

Mario: Yeah, right here.

Bobbery: Wow. I mean, you wouldn't WRITE "MWAHAHAHAHA-cough cough… man that hurt." You'd say it!

Random Guy Who Just Entered: Hey, there's some mystery thing going on in the dining car!

Mario: Let's go.

Yay! I get to say something! Anyway, the group heads to the dining car, where some guy in a badly made trench coat is pacing the room.

Guy in Trench Coat (Pennington): Let's review the made up facts. First, the cook lost his pot. Second… well, we're still working on that. But at least we know what happened first! And now, to make a move on in this investigation, I'll start making random accusations! Let's see… MARIO!

Mario: What?

Pennington: Crap, you're actually here? Great… um, I blame you for stealing a pot of soup!

Mario: Why?

Pennington: DON'T QUESTION MY SUPERIOR MIND! Now go look for obvious clues to prove your innocence!

Mario: Jeez, alright already! Let's see… there's a trail of soup on the ground leading to some guy's room.

The group follows the soup and enters the guy's room.

Fat toad: Hey, what are you doing in here?

Mario: I have reason to believe that you stole the soup from the kitchen!

Fat toad: Why, just because I'm overweight? It's not my fault, I have a slow metabolism!

Mario: No, because there's a trail of soup leading here.

Fat toad: Ah. Nevermind that then.

Koops searches a drawer and finds the pot, as well as a magazine covered in soup.

Koops: Aha!

The group goes back into the dining car and gives the pot back to the cook.

_Day 1, afternoon_

Mario is talking to the conductor.

Mario: What I'm saying is that this threat is legitimate. It even says at the bottom "Oh, and conductor, THIS IS LEGITIMATE!" right here!

Conductor: Well, when you say it like that… okay!

Mario starts to head back to his cabin, but is stopped by a small Bob-omb.

Bub: Hey mister, can you guess what I want for my birthday?

Mario: A PSP?

Nintendo glares at Mario.

Mario: I mean, a Nintendo DS?

Bub: Neither! I'll give you some clues! A) It's an autograph, and B) It has to do with trains!

Mario: You want to be the idiotic train conductor?

Conductor: I heard that!

Bub: No!

Mario: The valley girl waitress who's too busy swooning over that bad pop star to do anything?

Bub: No…

Mario: The cook who can't speak good English and never seems to be doing anything yet manages to supply us with food?

Bub: No.

Mario: The overly energetic engineer who's probably popping pills to be so happy?

Bub: Yeah! You're amazing! And on the first try too!

Mario: Okay… let's go with that.

_Day 1, night_

Mario is busy asleep in bed. The conductor rushes in!

Conductor: Mario! I think we know who our suspect is! It's the guy in room 4! I'm sure of it!

Mario continues to sleep.

Conductor: So, you don't believe me! Well then, I guess I'll have to go in there myself!

The conductor leaves the room. Several screams and some small scuffling are heard. Mario is still sleeping.

The conductor rushes back in, completely pale.

Conductor: OH MY GOD there's a ghost in there! Mario! Help me!

Mario, still sleeping, rolls over a bit, but otherwise does nothing.

Conductor: Well then… AAAAAHHHH! HE'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE! AAAAHHHH!

The conductor runs out, screaming like a lunatic.

In room 4…

Ghost: Wow… you'd think he'd never seen a ghost before. Ah well, time to go possess the waitress again!

The waitress, still awake for some reason in the dining car (probably locked in there), is walking around singing to her made-up tunes. She suddenly stiffens up, picks up her PDA, and starts blogging under the name "ShyGuy 32." Wait a minute… no wonder I get so many lawsuits and emails from people I don't know!

Anyway…

_Day 2, morning_

Mario wakes up.

Mario: Wow, I had the strangest dream! The conductor kept entering my room and yelling random gibberish about ghosts.

Mario goes to see the conductor, who is lying in the corner in fetal position, shivering and saying something sounding like, but not quite, "He's there… I saw it… they say I'm crazy… but I'm not crazy… I'm the only one who's not crazy…."

Mario: Okay….

He goes back to his room and notices someone hiding in the corner behind the couch.

Mario: What the…?

He goes to look, but before he can Flurrie pops out from behind the couch, as well as that egg from chapter three.

Koops: Oh dear God no…

Goombella: Jeez, again?

Bobbery: Who's this…?

Flurrie: Yeah, you thought you got away from me, DIDN'T YOU! But I'm back with a vengeance, and I'm taking revenge on you for my necklace!

Mario: Didn't I tell you to go buy one?

Flurrie: I couldn't afford them!

Mario: Jeez, okay. Here's $100, now STOP FOLLOWING ME!

Flurrie: Okay!

Koops: Hey, what's the egg doing here anyway?

Goombella: Yeah, didn't we fry him?

Egg: Yeah… well… uh… A MONKEY!

No one looks. The egg jumps out the window anyway.

Bobbery: Now that THAT'S over with… who wants to explore this creepy station we're coming up to?

Mario: Not me.

Koops: Nope.

Goombella: No way.

Bobbery: Didn't think so.

_Day 2, afternoon_

PA: Hi everyone, we'll be making a brief scheduled stop for refueling. Now, GET OFF OF MY TRAIN!

Everyone exits. Outside, Some guy is standing in front of the track, in front of a roadblock.

Mario: What are you doing here?

Guy: Since this stupid roadblock is in the way, we can't get the train past. There's apparently a switch inside the station that will take the roadblock away.

Bobbery: Why don't you just move the roadblock?

Guy: Huh?

Koops: You know, pick it up and move it? It only weighs around 20 pounds.

Guy: Uh… I knew that… yeah.

Mario picks it up and moves it to the side, and proceeds to get back onto the train.

_Day 2, night_

Nothing of interest! Except for the fact that I managed to read that fake blog. Man, that ghost is good!

_Day 3, morning_

Mario wakes up, and notices that no one is on the train.

Mario: Sweet!

He proceeds to do whatever the hell he wants until he reaches Rich and Snooty Ville, when he gets out of the train and realizes that there's a giant monster on top of the train holding everybody captive.

Mario: Ah crap, now I have to fix this?

Yeah. Sorry, no help from me.

Mario: Great.

He somehow gets on top of the train, and pulls out that holy hand grenade from last chapter. He throws it at the monster (after counting to three, no more, no less), while an angelic choir sings. The monster dies. Everyone is let free, but realize they're on top of the train.

Bad Pop Star: Wait, how do we get off this train?

Mario: I'd suggest jumping.

The bad pop star does so, and breaks his legs. No one notices though, and they all jump on top of him (besides Mario and his posse). They all break their legs. Mario, however, pulls out a trampoline from nowhere (video game physics, remember?) and tosses it to the ground. The group proceeds to jump on that, and safely get to the ground. After finding the place where the star is, the group breaks in and steals the fake star, and then proceeds to steal the real star as well.

Later…

Pennington comes back to the Sanctum, on crutches, and finds that both stars are missing.

Pennington: Shit! And that fake one cost half of my Powerball winnings!

Apparently the rest was used to buy the Sanctum.

Back in Thiefplace…

Mario: Wait, so the ride there took three days, yet the ride back took only a few minutes?

Goombella: I knew it!

The group goes back underground and makes the author draw another star on the map.

Mario: Is that the moon?

Koops: Seems so.

Bobbery: Great, NASA's gonna cost a fortune….

On the moon…

13:00 AM

Grodus has invited Peach into his office.

Grodus: Peach, I have something to ask you… wait, are you sober?

Peach: Yes.

Grodus: Ah, crap.

He gives Peach a drink or five, and then proceeds to talk.

Grodus: Anyway, what I was going to ask you is… you still want to be possessed, right?

Peach: Uh…

Several minutes later…

Peach: …yeah.

Grodus: Good. Well, just so you know, you'll be losing all forms of yourself, including your soul. If you change your mind, just tell me and I'll proceed to make you so drunk that you'll say yes. Got it?

Peach: Uh…

Grodus: I'll take that as a yes.

* * *

So? You like it? I hope so, really. Any flames will be used to heat my room as my parents don't give a damn about this thermostat doohickey. Oh, and R&R! 


	8. NASA's new beer cannon

Hey guys! (guys are gone)  
Hey, where'd they go? Oh, great, they found that hole.  
At least I'm insured.

Here's the not-penultimate chapter (hey, we gotta have an epilogue!), hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, NASA, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and Star Fox (technically a part of Nintendo). New low brand name record!

* * *

CHAPTER 7: WE'RE TAKING THIS BABY TO THE MOOOON!

The group takes a subway (yeah, apparently there is one in Thiefplace. Rogueport, however, isn't as lucky) to the friendly local NASA base.

NASA Spokesperson: Hello, and welcome to NASA. My name is (CONFIDENTIAL!) and I'll be leading you o our tour.

Mario: Yeah, we don't have time for a tour. Can you just launch us into space?

Spokesperson: Well, that depends, how much cash do you have?

Mario: Uh… 250 coins.

Spokesperson: Oh, sorry, you'll need another 70,000 to get a launch. However, at the fee of a wild goose chase, you can get shot into space.

Koops: Ah, okay.

Spokesperson: Okay, you're going to have to find Goldbob to get a pass to go on, and find General White to be able to use it.

Goombella: I understand the pass, but do we need to find General White when there are engineers?

Bobbery: Shh, Goombella! Don't question their superior logic abilities!

Viv: Fine, okay.

The group heads out, and finds Goldbob in Rich and Snooty Ville.

Mario: How much for a pass to get shot into space?

Goldbob: All of your wealth.

Viv: REALLY?

Goldbob: Just kidding, personal joke. It's free, no one even gets shot now anyway.

Koops: Thank God, now I can get a Wii!

This advertisement is brought to you by ShyGuy 32 Blogging, the fastest growing blog making derogatory comments of the Author on the web! (not actually existent)

The group, after going to every place that they've been to, go back to the NASA base without General White.

General White: Hi, I'm General White.

Goombella: YOU'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME?!?!?!?

Gen. White: Yeah, been here 20 years.

Bobbery: The spokesman said to find you on vacation!

Gen. White: Oh, that's just a joke. Every spokesman does it. Do you have a pass?

Mario: Yep.

Gen. White: Okay then, prepare to be fired!

The group follows him to a randomly placed square in the ground.

Gen.: Okay, just stand here and we'll load you in.

Viv: Is this safe?

Gen: Of course not! If it was, people would use this more!

A giant cannon comes up out of the ground.

Koops: They're shooting us out of a huge beer bottle? Seriously, How can a beer bottle fire something out?

Bobbery: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THEIR SUPERIOR LOGIC?

The group gets shoved in by Bobbery, and blasted out and land by the X-Naut base.

Goombella: Wow, the moon IS made of cheese!

Koops: No, that's just yellow rock.

Bobbery: Ew…

The group finds the X-Naut Base, and a huge army of X-Nauts start to file out.

Viv: Holy shit…

Mario: Don't worry, they'll just be sucked into the cold vacuum of space!

Koops: Why aren't we?

Mario: Video game physics, remember?

The group walks past the asphyxiating X-Nauts and into the fortress, where they walk past a couple of floor tiles (the switch for the electricity was by the door), and stumble upon a robotic Thwomp.

Thwomp: You are now going to take a quiz OR DIE! First question: 2+2 A)4, B)5, or C) Minute rice?

Viv: A?

Thwomp: OH MY FUCKIN GOD, THEY GOT IT RIGHT! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!

The group walks out and heads to a different area, which has Lord Crump.

Crump: Ha! You're here! You'll never defeat me in my newly upgraded Magnus Von Grapple robot that has only a new paint job and pointier hands! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mario: Jeez, do we have to fight you AGAIN? It's been, like, three times already!

Crump: Well, uh… you see… DIE!

Crump charges at the group, who then sidestep (unlike those stupid DBZ people who always decide to run away instead of actually sidestep) the robot. Magnus falls off the ledge and makes a large hole in the ground, when Bobbery decides to be useful and just blow the damned thing to kingdom come.

Crump: Ooh… yeah… uh… LOOK! A DISTRACTION!

No one looks, and Crump doesn't move.

Crump: Uh… great, I'm out of ideas.

PLOT HOLE!

Mario: Whoa, what just happened?

Viv: Great, a plot hole. Now we have no idea what happened.

Koops: That sucks.

The group leaves the building, completely ignoring the computer that has the capacity of emotion and has figured out the Question to Life, the Universe, and Everything (which we currently believe is 'what is six multiplied by nine?'). After stealing some flares from inside the base, they see a nearby Arwing.

Bobbery: What the hell is Fox doing here?

Mario: Who cares?

Mario lights the flares (don't give me the oxygen problem, we already went over that), and the Arwing lands.

Fox: What the hell? Dammit, I knew I made a wrong turn! Now Andross is gonna win…

Koops: Don't care.

They hop inside the ship and take off, leaving Fox there.

Fox: HEY! WAIT UP! Ah crap, now the Lylat System is screwed! DAMN YOU MARIO!

On the Arwing…

Goombella: Hey Mario: We didn't find Peach there, did we?

Mario: Nah, I think somewhere in that plot hole Crump told us what's going on. Peach is in the Millennium-Old Door Thingy.

Goombella: Oh, okay. Hey Mario, do you know how to land this? The ground's coming up fast.

Mario: No, now shut up and find the manual.

Goombella: That's kind of useless, we're crashing now-

BBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!

The group, luckily having read the stupid little safety instructions, have all survived thanks to tiny rubber rafts.

Viv: Hey, where are we anyway?

Koops: Let's see… that sign over there says Thiefplace.

Bobbery: Good thing I sold all my stock.

The group is apparently right in front of the Door, due to the landing, and open it by making the Author do it. Jeez, these guys couldn't do it themselves? Lazy bums…

And in they go!

* * *

Yay! Final boss fight ahead! Also note- less narrator! Yay? Boo? Ah, whatever. R&R please? 


	9. Boss fights plus Puzzles equals The End!

Hello! I brought the guys back! (guys sitting in corner playing harmonica)

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, any form of alcohol, or those "The more you know" ads they did a while back.

* * *

CHAPTER 8: DAMMIT, WHERE'S THE KEY TO THIS DAMNED DOOR?

Mario and friends enter the newly opened Millennium-Old Door Thingy, and behind it is… THE FORTRESS OF SHADINESS!!!!!! It's not that exciting, but still, come on, it's cool!

Anyway, they enter.

Mario: It's kinda creepy in here.

Viv: Nice vacation spot.

The group continues on, ignoring the piles of oddly colored bones and randomly placed cannons, and end up finding a never-ending hallway.

Koops: Well, this is great. How are we going to get past this?

Goombella: Well, theoretically, if we follow the path with the torch lit, we could get through.

Bobbery: Or we could just blow the whole damned thing up.

Mario: I side with Bobbery.

Koops and Viv: Me too.

Goombella: No fun.

The group takes out some of the explosions salvaged from the ship in chapter 5, and blow up the wall, leading into a courtyard. After swimming to a nearby building, the group enters and finds a bunch of rooms with puzzles in them.

Mario: Okay, it seems that every room has some sort of key in it, as well as a riddle explaining how to get the key, so let's split up.

Mario goes into a room with a bunch of bone piles. The riddle says, "Kill the bones from weakest to greatest power."

Mario: Yep, very hard to figure THAT one out.

Mario kicks the bones in a random order until the key appears. He then exits and enters the main hallway.

Goombella enters a room with just a riddle, saying, "See the wall on the opposite side? It's not a wall. It's just there."

Goombella goes up to the wall and finds out that (gasp!) the wall isn't there! Big surprise. She collects the key and moves on.

Koops finds a room with a bunch of boxes. He decides to simply push them out of the way, get the key, and move on.

Bobbery enters a room with just a riddle. The riddle says, "Remember that weak bricks are blown up easily."

Bobbery goes to a spot with a few bricks missing and blows up, revealing the key.

Viv sees a room and enters it, with just a riddle, saying, "Hide and the key will appear."

Viv ducks into the shadows and, lo and behold, the key appears.

Everyone goes to the main area, and put the keys into some key-shaped grooves. The group heads outside and the Shadow Sirens appear.

Beldam: Haha, we're back! And we're going to kick your asses!

Marilyn: Buh!

Beldam: That's right, we're not letting you past to get to our leader!

Mario: I don't have time for this.

He shoves Beldam out of the way and continues through to meet… GLOOMTAIL!

Gloomtail: YOU KILLED MY SISTER!

Mario: No we didn't, we mugged-

Gloomtail: YOU KILLED MY SISTER, NOW DIE!

_Battle!  
Gloomtail breathes fire! He damaged himself due to burns over 3 degrees in his mouth!  
Battle End!_

Koops: Wow, that was short.

Mario: Tell me about it. We didn't even do anything.

Meanwhile, Gloomtail is busy trying to find a phone to call an EMT.

The group leaves, and finds that a secret passage has opened up, leading deeper in. After solving many simple puzzles, such as hitting a switch and going on a platform near said switch, the group enters a throne room of sorts, where Grodus is on the chair.

Grodus: So, you are Mario. You're shorter and fatter than I thought.

Mario: You talkin' to me?

Grodus: Uh, yeah. And nice job, you ruined the drama. May as well just show you Peach.

He does so, and she is in some sort of green wacko-digital sphere prison thing.

Peach: Mario! You came! Did you bring a Jack Daniels? Or maybe a Long Island Iced Tea?

Mario: Nope. Sorry.

Grodus: Who cares? LET'S FIGHT!

Grodus decides to shoot lightning out of his staff! Mario simply takes the staff, cracks it in half, and beats the crap out of Grodus! Now that's a real attack!

Grodus: That was a little much wasn't it?

Mario: Sorry, got carried away.

Suddenly, Bowser falls through the ceiling and onto Grodus!

Bowser: Jeez, I gotta lay off that 20-layer cake!

Mario: Hey, do you mind? You just did one of the most random things I've seen!

Bowser: What? Mario? What the hell are you doing here?

Mario: Excuse me, we're at the near end of an adventure here?

Bower: Sorry. It's that damned good 20-layer cake.

Bowser leaves, and then falls off the ledge in the previous room, followed by falling 20 more stories.

Bowser: Hey! It's hell! Nice place….

Anyway, Grodus is seen running off behind the throne, carrying Peach.

Peach: Help! I have some blood in my alcohol stream!

Mario and the group chase after them, and head down an incredibly long staircase. The group enters the room, which has a coffin and a bunch of lit candles. Grodus is in there as well, with Peach lying down drinking a bottle of whiskey.

Grodus: Arise, Shadow Queen!

Nothing happens.

Grodus: Dammit, arise! Get up and fricking arise! I got a vessel!

Suddenly, the Shadow Queen gets up out of the coffin!

Shadow Queen: Okay, okay, what do you want? This better be good, you woke me up!

Grodus: Yeah, I got a body for you to possess, she's the chick in front of you.

Peach: (quite drunkenly) Hi, I'm Peach….

Shadow Queen leans over Peach and in a few seconds, all that's there is Peach but in a goth dress. Shadow Queen starts staggering around, and accidentally does that whacko lightning thing on Grodus.

Koops: What the hell is happening?

Goombella: I'm guessing that since Peach was drunk right before she was possessed, Shadow Queen's drunk too.

Mario: Great! I've got an idea.

Mario picks up Shadow Queen, runs back to the courtyard, and throws her in the lake. Shadow Queen starts drowning. Mario steps forward, and the background turns dark.

Mario: See, when you're drunk, what's actually happening is that all the alcohol in your bloodstream is slowing down the brain due to the depressants it contains.

The words "_The more you know_" flash above Mario's head.

Goombella steps into the dark area next.

Goombella: When these depressants reach your brain, they slow down the thought process and the realization of what's going on around you.

_The more you know._

Next comes Koops.

Koops: After the thought process slows down as well as realization, if you're in, say, water, you won't realize as quickly that you're in water and you won't think to swim as fast.

_The more you know._

Viv enters the dark spot.

Viv: When you don't realize this as fast and you don't think to swim even faster, you won't swim, obviously, or if you do you most likely won't do it right due to the fact that you're drunk, and therefore you'll drown.

_The more you know._

Bobbery enters last.

Bobbery: Therefore, don't drink and swim or you'll end up like that chick over there.

_The more you know._

Mario: Speaking of Shadow Queen, should we save her or something? Seriously, she's still Peach, in a more goth fashion and with the ability to take over the world.

Bobbery: Nah.

Koops: Too tired.

Viv: I'm pooped.

Goombella: Can't swim.

Mario: Okay. She'll sober up eventually.

The group leaves, accidentally hitting a drain switch, draining all the water and saving Shadow Queen.

Mario: Well, I guess that ends that.

No, we still need an epilogue!

Mario: Crap.

* * *

As I just said, stick around for the soon-to-be-released epilogue! And try not to flame my low-brand-name-usage self! 


End file.
